Last Night

the day that i came back to Malaysia - Saturday 23rd - i decided to just take a taxi from KLIA2 to Puchong to take my car and drive to Putrajaya to meet my parents. since i have been far for about 2 weeks. however, really i didnt expect them to not to be at Putrajaya. they were at Temerloh, Pahang; where they are going to be when my father is done with his paperwork as he is already retired at the end of 2014.

so i was alone at Putrajaya and went back to Puchong on Sunday night, not getting to see my parents because they said that they will only be home on Monday evening. 

you see, things had always been different for me; compared to my brothers. it is as if i am the only son and the other are daughters.  

what made me say this is that i went to Putrajaya yesterday evening because they invited me for dinner. they mentioned that they shall be back to Temerloh tomorrow afternoon to tidy up the house there and also because my youngest brother aged 18 this year, need to attend a kind of seminar for driving lesson; which will cost RM1500 (approx USD400, JPY49000).

when i asked where did he get the money, my mom told me that dad is giving him the money. 

the older one gets a motorcycle; which i would have guessed that the money comes from my dad because i know that his study loan wouldnt get him a motorcycle and he doesnt really go out for any part time work.

my older brother - the eldest among us, siblings - gets more. i dont really remember what he got but in the back of my mind, he definitely gets more.

...

(last night) i didnt say anything though.

14th December 2011

"dear love,

all that i want you to know is that i am sorry that i have to leave. it is not you. it is me. but i love you. i really do.

i left because i want what is best for us. you would do better without me. and so do i.

so lets just walk on our own way until one day, if we really are meant to be together, the different path we took will become one."

...

was written on 14th December 2011.

i found this draft entry while going through all my entries just now.

the title i put for this entry was "Love Letter".

and now...

i am wondering.

what happened on 14th December 2011?

Totally Forgotten

i moved out of my parents' house last year December. i bring only the essentials with me. but i still go home on weekends. 

...

i tried so hard to remember what was the poem really about. 

but i cant.

this is what i am scared of the most.

it is not being forgetful. forgetful is something like forgetting that you have an appointment today but you will remember after a while or after someone else reminds you of it. 

to me, some bittersweet memories in the past are important. 

i am scared of forgetting something important permanently.

most of them went off my head bit by bit.

and i realize that now i have very little of them. 

those memories became very faint and almost gone. 

i dont remember if i still keep my poems, short stories & sketches in my room back at my parents' house. 

or did i throw them away?

あれは恋でしたか?

last night, while sitting alone at my desk, all of the sudden i recalled a poem. it was such a nice poem given by a lover to a 'lover' of mine. my ‘lover’, was somebody else's lover but this person... err... ok... lets give a name... My Lover. My Lover already had a lover. ok... uhhh... Full Time Lover (FTL). but My Lover is closer to me in distance so My Lover decided to two time. with me. so i was the Part Time Lover (PTL)... 

demm dis is stupid. 

ok, back to the main point of this entry.

when i recalled the poem, i started to write it back in my notebook. i smiled by myself while writing the poem. i did recalled most of it but not everything. as i wrote, something flows from my brain to my right hand, then the flow made a U turn back to my heart. i felt so happy just by writing back wat was written by someone that was meant to b given to someone else.

when i was the PTL, i was so inspired to write & sketch. i love art & literature (dem me for taking mechanical engineering) more than anything. within the time i was busy studying, i'll always find some time to write. i wrote more than 20 poems, they're still here with me, in the same old book; i wrote several short stories, wonder where they are now, well, maybe they are somewhere inside my stack of books; i sketched many "things", wat am i supposed to describe my sketches as?; i wrote a novel, well, it was 1 of my stupid short stories but then it ended up to be a stupid novel, which, i already threw it away; i made a doll, which turn out to be a keychain - all were made for My Lover.

in the range of time of being the PTL, i dont think i was in love. but My Lover cared bout me so much, made me feel like i was in dept on the kindness & tenderness given or whatsoever. in dept? well it was kinda exhausting actually, having someone clinging on you most of the time. i did feel like i was pretending to love.

we fought, and then we made up; just to fight again. i dont really remember the reason why we fight so much. all i can remember was that i was such an immature brat~ egoist~ bad tempered~ extremely violent (???); & My Lover is cute, uke-ish, kind hearted, clingy, annoying, gets jealous easily. i didnt mean for us to break up. i just need more space & time for myself & i hate to have people clinging onto me & cared about me too much. its suffocating.

& yet we realy had gone through our own way. My Lover claimed an apology from me. but i dont remember doing anything wrong. it was a misunderstanding. and i refused to say i am sorry. duh~ i didnt do anything wrong. My Lover was such a cry baby. and so, end of our 'love' story.

years later (now) i took a chance to look back what kind of poem i wrote. most of 'em were about love, friendship, life & despair. the pure love that had been given to me, the strong friendship bonded, the secret life we had and me being in despair for i am only a part timer.

then i realize something: if it was not for the love, the friendship, the life and the despair, then what do i write for?

indeed, i expressed my feelings through my art. there is a saying "a book reflects its author" だろう? that was how i had been living; everyday i was blessed by love, i wrote to express my love, but i never appreciate the love that was meant for me. i was being such an idiot, such a cruel person for not understanding what was being offered to me.

だから, 今が謝る: 本当にごめんなさい~

それに, all these years, i couldnt love anyone. i played with and hurt other people's feelings - i flirt, and when i got them, i left them without a proper reason (i have stopped now, err.. but still i cant help but to flirt). i dont have the urge to love or to be loved; for i had forgotten everything about the above - My Lover, our time we had together and the most important thing is the joy of writing for love and when love smiles as the things i wrote is read.

but still, when i think about it now... 

i was totally

NOT 

in love.

so, should i be oh-i-am-so-romantic n write again? *wink wink*

the poem:

Freude, schöner Götterfunken

Tochter aus Elysium,

Wir betreten feuertrunken,

Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!

Deine Zauber binden wieder

Was die Mode streng geteilt;

Alle Menschen werden Brüder,

Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

hahahahaha~!!