What Was I? 4

it is when i was in Japan that i realized that my hair is really long.

and it is not black. it is brownish; and in some photos it is dirty-greenish.

i know.

i need to work on my vocab.

whatever.

not black; with some traces of grey hair.

i am OLD!!!!!!

...

when i counted, i was back in early 2013 since i chopped off my hair really short.

i found something in 2011 and got lost...

and found something new in 2013...

and yeah... it is now February 2015...

i do feel like i have lost myself one more time.

目標や夢 :  どこまで守れるだろうか?

i was destined to get myself lost in every 2 years i guess.

...

the series 3, 2, 1

Cant Wait for Tomorrow

i know. someone told me. you didnt tell me anything so i am now pretending that i dont know. i tested you to give you a chance to tell me the truth but you decided to not take that chance. i am giving you one last chance today as it will be too late tomorrow. for tomorrow the truth will be revealed; and that truth will biyatch slap you in your face.

you knew that i will hate you when the truth is revealed tomorrow.

and yet you choose be hated by not telling me the truth earlier.

...

Friday Sept 26th, there was a fight in a group chat between Seth & India. Seth told me that India was being unreasonable and asked me to monitor India the next day.

Saturday Sept 27th, India told me that it is very hard for her to deal with Seth. i told India that i will hold a meeting on Friday Oct 3rd for the 3 of us to solve this problem.

Monday Sept 29th, i told Seth that i will hold the meeting on Friday. Seth told me to tell India that she need to prepare some document for the meeting.

Wednesday Oct 1st, Allysa told me that India confessed to Miako, Nutella & Morgana that she - in fact - WAS being unreasonable. she said: "i am worried that Takashi wanted to see both me & Seth regarding what happened". when asked why didnt she tell me the truth, she said something like: "i dont want to. i will make things look like i am guilty. Takashi wouldnt trust me after this."

i had my blood boiling and immediately but calmly asked India to prepare the document and be prepared for the meeting on Friday.

Thursday Oct 2nd just now, Seth asked me what time will the meeting be. i said that it will be at 9.30am. i sent out an email to both of them regarding the meeting.

Friday Oct 3rd, to be continued...

Jump (?) ~ 6

and so...

the people who had always catch me if i fall miserably officially announced that they are not going to do the catching anymore..

it is what it seems to me..

they are hoping for me & Allysa to go further uphill and jump off a higher cliff by our own with our little wings that we have..

they are hoping for us to be responsible for a bigger ship and sail further than they did..

we are given at most 3 years..

Jump ~ 5

i helped the person in Jump ~ 3 with his resume for him to get in this ship that we have now.

i also helped ToyBoy#1 from just a part timer to get a permanent position in this ship.

...

after we drop the person in Jump ~ 3 off somewhere, ToyBoy#1 is asked to jump off to the sea because of the many things that he did wrong.

i heard the news that Azrael decided to jump off our ship to a port to take care of his sickly grandfather; and he really left.

a person whom we interviewed few months back who said that he would report for duty ended up didnt come to report for duty because he has a battling-cancer-nephew that he need to take care of.

a person from the sales department (whom i never met) also decided to jump off to a port after just 1 day on board.

the day i came back to work at office from a trip to Senai, Johor - Aug 22 - i had a meeting. DS announced that we will drop Akita off a port on October 15 because she had an offer to be a nurse in a private school.

i told her not to worry. i havent think of drafting a drop-me-off-at-some-port-letter. but then she said:

"we - the management - have different approach for different people. for you, Allysa and DSA, if there is anywhere in your mind which suggests you to give me THE letter, i wont accept it. we shall have a talk first. you are not as the same level as the others."

...

i might not be the captain of this ship yet, but i can say that i am one of the navigators.

so long as i feel like i am needed, i'll continue to find our way to our destination.

and if they want me to be, then i will be a captain, maybe, a captain of a smaller ship, before i go for a bigger ship with bigger sails and further destination than i am having now.

Jump Series: 4, 3, 2, 1

Surviving Weeks in Real Working Life

i remember i printed out my entry Jump and pass it to Allysa before i went to Outward Bound School.

...

at the end of Day 7 in OBS, i actually get the chance to talk to the course directors and they asked me for feedback. i told them it wasnt really challenging for us.

why?

i didnt tell them the reason why i dont feel the challenge; and i told them that i might need to take up the 25 days course.

but honestly, 2 years of being in the water sports company and almost 2 years of being in the training company, a total of 4 years is so much more than a week in OBS; which people claimed that the activities is so harsh that you will cry your heart out.

MUCH.

MORE.

THAN.

THIS.

that i prefer to stay there much longer and i feel dreadful that i had to start working on the next day.

there is a story about India that Nutella told me and the Equipment Manager, during dinner on the Day 7 when we reached Puchong. harsh story that had my heart broken.

the next day (Aug 11, Monday) my DS told me and the Equipment Manager that we can take the day off if we thought that we need it. but there are many things to catch up; that i worked from 8.30 am to 9.00 pm (which i no longer practice since the water sports company goes down in 2011) and i told her i might want to take leave on Aug 18 as i knew that i am really needed on that particular week.

Aug 12 (Tuesday) i continued to settle my work and depart to Senai, Johor in the afternoon; as i need to conduct a training there on Aug 13 & 14, together with Nutella & Morgana.

all went well on Aug 13 (Wednesday) but on Aug 14 (Thursday).. sigh~  Nutella is needed at Batu Caves, Selangor on Aug 15 but she kinda refused to go with the excuse that it will be very tiring because we will only reach Puchong, Selangor that night and this really put me in hot soup.

Aug 15 (Friday) i decided to have Nutella to go together with Morgana to Batu Caves and i attended a meeting from 9.30am to 12noon and continued with my task and attend another meeting at 5 pm and continued with my task afterwards until 8 pm.

Aug 16 & 17 (Saturday & Sunday) i am needed at our training centre for a first aid course but luckily i do not need to do anything so i can continue with my task which are continuously piling. India is actually good at conducting the 2 days basic first aid course.

i planned to take leave on Aug 18 (yesterday), right? wrong. i am now at Cherating, Pahang to conduct an advanced first aid course here from Aug 18 to 21 (Monday - Thursday); which i departed from our training centre right after the course is done.

Aug 22 (Friday) i am to attend a meeting for our company trip; and i might be needed for a meeting with a client; and i will need to train my team for the upcoming COSH 2014.

Aug 23 (Saturday) is another training day for my team for the upcoming COSH 2014.

Aug 24 (Sunday) we are going to set up our stuff in KLCC Convention Centre for COSH 2014.

Aug 25 - 27 (Monday - Wednesday) COSH 2014 which will be a very meaningful and big thing for us.

Aug 28 & 29 (Thursday & Friday) i am needed to conduct a team building course at the water sports company.

Aug 30 (Saturday) i hope that there will not be any activity on this day; so that i can rest for a whole 3 days from this day to Monday Sept 1 which is a public holiday.

dear career, please have mercy.

Surviving a Week at Outward Bound School

day 4: you will be able to guess which one of these people is me after reading this entry.

i planned to stay low. but...

"changed completely and seemed like you are not yourself."

"you seemed to know almost everything."

"are you actually one of the instructor here?"

"Takashi Jack Sparrow."

"Takashi, what are we going to do now?"

"Takashi, where are we going to put this?"

"Takashi, this... Takashi, that... Takashi, bla bla bla..."

"are you dating The Equipment Manager?"

"so your boss sent you here, i thought that you came to accompany your boyfriend."

(~.~)

...

and so right after Eid on Aug 4 to Aug 10 i went for a short course at Outward Bound School, Lumut, Perak, Malaysia with the equipment manager. only the both of us is from the training company. the rest, 70+ of them are from a short government course before they are posted to any suitable position in the government.

Day 1

The Equipment Manager & i introduced ourselves to the course director while waiting for the 70+ of the others. we told them that we are also instructors and we are used to kayaking and i went for a PWC expedition.

not much. registration & administration. rules & regulations. dividing the participants in watches (groups). handing over foods, phones, IDs, wallet, car keys, and wallets. selecting managers, assistant managers and logistics. briefly introducing ourselves, and The Watch Instructor (WI) asked if i am an instructor too. settling down in dorms, dinner, night ice breaking; which i told everyone in my watch that i have a thick and firm wall between me and everyone in my life; that i will always hope that they are the ones who will be trying to break the wall.

WI teach us a little bit about whaler (bow, stern, port side, starboard side) and asked me if i know them. no i dont. i just know how to run things. i seldom know the name of things. then he asked if anyone knows how to use a compass; and i slightly put my hand up and it ended up i am the only one who knows how to use them.

Day 2

morning exercise, suddenly everyone knows me.

one more time, i was asked by the WI if i know how to knot. no i dont. and i dont even know the names of the knots. i dont knots. i never knot. but i can really say i am a fast learner. i can knot by myself just by looking how knots are done by the WI. seeing this (maybe), one of the members wanted to book me to be his partner for kayak expedition.

assembling dome tent, yes. but this time the WI asked if anyone know how to assemble a dome tent and only few of us put our hands up including me. and so i was assigned by the manager of the day to set camp site up for the day after.

whaler expedition practice. learned how to assemble & disassemble, adjusting sails, commands and i mostly did the rowing. jump off mother boat and climbing up again for water confidence, etc..

whaler watch self practice at night. they decided that i should be the navigator & rower; and another girl as captain. i began showing what i am as i taught them on how to row.

my wall begins to crumble a little bit on the top.

Day 3 (i am the manager)

morning exercise (supposedly but we immediately head for breakfast instead), some of the guys said that they voted of which of them deserves me as their kayak partner.

whaler expedition to camp site, i mostly sat at the tiller at the stern, giving command and seemed to be taking over the captain position; especially when the WI left us by our own and stay on the mother boat.

when we reached the campsite, still in the whaler, more of me continued to show when i began to instruct and give opinions which they mostly agreed on; and on the campsite especially, when i have sufficient experience in camping when i was in grade school, and also with my Waterfall mates (dang they organized Eid open house at Kedondong when i was here!!!!)

that night the WI asked us to tell everyone what we contribute during our expedition and asked me to handover my position of 'captain' & tiller to another person so that i can row.

feel kind of bad because we planned to wake up early morning at 4am to make breakfast because we are leaving at 7am the day after, but my watch mates finished cooking after midnight, just before the storm came in.

Day 4

whaler expedition back to base. as planned, i no longer hold the tiller at first and i myself planned that i want to sit at the rower seat. but just as i climb on board, the seats are full and i am stuck at the stern, and the other person assigned to take care of the tiller was already there.

then suddenly the captain said,"Takashi, give command."

a little later the person assigned to the tiller said that she can no longer handle the tiller because of seasickness. and so i am the 'captain' again; at least i am learning to be one. to look at the wind, to give commands, to make decision of which way the sail should be, of either we should row or we should just depend on the wind.

again, especially when the WI left us by our own, i was rowing and another guy was learning how to handle the tiller. and when i asked if he wants to row instead; he said yes and hand over the tiller to me.

i went off route at first; and had the WI yelled at me from the mother boat: "Takashi! you really need to take care to the tiller! dont let go!"

another guy from my watch also wanted me to be his partner for kayak.

i begin to feel sick of people depending on me too much.

wall crumbled more and showed my forehead to my eyes.

Day 5

kayak practice in the morning, there are 6 gentlemen & 9 ladies in our watch. the WI asked the gentlemen to line in a row and the ladies to choose and partner with the gentlemen. the other guy from the day before started calling my name; but then the WI said: "dont concern much about Takashi. she is used to kayaking. she will partner with another single kayak for the expedition later."

and so i am safe for this round. i started to think i'd rather be alone than stuck with someone who would hold me down. we began to practice on what to do in case of capsized kayak; and the WI chose to capsize with me. thanks to the crumbled wall.

and as mentioned, i was partnered with a girl from another watch. and i ended up rowing alone at the back, while the girl is busy with her camera and her low level of physical strength.

we went trekking to camp site in the evening; unload our camping equipment from the mother boat. and here we go again. most of the decisions and actions are on me. where to set up tents, where to start fire, starting fire; except for cooking. i dont make food. i just dont. i will only make food that if i dont, i will die.

and i began whining to my watch mates. and my watch mates began whining to me and each other.

i saw a ghost, that looks like white Cheshire Cat; twice.

wall showed my head. yes, i begin to show them some of what i really am; especially when the WI is late for about 1/2 hour for our nightcap. we sang together and lay on the tent sheet together. slept late after chit chatting with the other watch and the WI who came later.

Day 6

lead trekking back to kayak base, kayak expedition back to base. i can no longer tolerate with my kayak partner and began to force her to row. from about 20% rowing the day before, she increased her rowing to 50% this day.

became stressed that the WI said each member in our watch is compulsory to cook rice for solo camp afterwards.

preparation for solo camp. played Hot Seat game, which these people arent being honest enough (that when we came back from this activity some of them in my dorm are still talking about someone behind his back).

trekking to solo camp site. set up tent, look for firewood, which is not much, but enough for me to cook instant noodle (compulsory to cook rice my arse~ leave the unnecessary things be please~ for me it is enough to just have something to eat. it is the wilderness dang it whataya expect?) and boil water for a cup of instant coffee.

wrote a letter for my future self (compulsory and will be sent to the address written on the envelope about 6 months later), went to sleep at about 9.30 pm. just as i began to doze off at about 10.30 pm (i guess), the WI woke me up asking if i have already eaten and written my letter. i said yes and he told me to go back to sleep.

but i cant sleep. the moon is too bright and it shined right on my face and there are many weird sound, sound of people running, the sound that sounds like "kroink kroink kroink" a boar i think, sound of people chanting, sounded like it was going to rain, and i cant wait for my watch to turn 5.30 am.

Day 7

5.30 am, i boil some water for a cup of Milo. i packed my things and we began trekking back to base. trekking back to base. we were the earliest to reach the base camp so we had more time to clean up.

closing ceremony. sing. bought souvenirs. exchange phone numbers. joined whatsapp group. went back to Puchong.

...

"... like a dragon."

you really have no idea of what i REALLY am.

should i change from Takashi (喬士) to Ryu (龍) by the way?

The Story of A Little Bird

This Little Test Will Blow Your Mind

well my answer is black battery powered driller(???).

from 9Gag

Jump ~ 3

yesterday i came early to office. i had time to relax and have breakfast until the time is up for work to start and i was immediately called by my Direct Superior to her office.

and she started talking about where she went the day before - here - to observe the session and she is disappointed. i was in the discussion for about 3 hours, from 9am - 12pm.

just as i got out of the meeting for about 15 mins my Direct Superior called me again for a discussion with the Biggest Superior about our new concept for our new program; that went on until about 1.45pm.

i had my lunch until 2.15pm and was able to do some work until about 5.30pm and all the people in our department are required to meet the Biggest Superior for a discussion; merely because of a very disappointing Whatsapp Group Chat content.

the main thing that the Biggest Superior said in the discussion "do it or quit; or apply for transfer to other department or other sister company".

yes, no one force you to stay on the ship.

if you dont want to jump off because you are afraid of the sea, we can always stop at any harbor to drop you off; or dont ever jump aboard in the first place.

you are making me sick and i couldnt concentrate on my work.

Jump ~ 2

MH370

source

SATURDAY (15 March 2014)

Search narrows to two air corridors as Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak confirms plane kept flying after it "vanished". Officials also confirm the jet's disappearance was a "deliberate act".

FRIDAY (14 March 2014)

Investigators are increasingly certain the jet turned back across the Malay Peninsula after losing communication.

International search expands westwards towards Indian Ocean.

THURSDAY (13 March 2014)

Malaysian military confirms spotting an unidentified aircraft on its radar about 1 hour and 20 minutes after MH370's signal went cold. Airline says it has not been determined if that was the missing jet.

Malaysian authorities vow to banish witch doctor if he again carries out a ritual at the country's main airport after the scene draws ridicule around the world.

WEDNESDAY (12 March 2014)

Beijing slams Malaysia's "pretty chaotic" and conflicting information as Kuala Lumpur officials fail to pinpoint the plane's last known whereabouts.

Malaysian media report the government has invited a witch doctor to help look for the plane by using a magic carpet, two coconuts and a wooden stick.

TUESDAY (11 March 2014)

Two senior Malaysian military officials say missing jet flew for an hour off its flight course and at a lower altitude after disappearing from civil aviation radar, partly explaining why Malaysia expanded search area to include Strait of Malacca two days earlier.

3pm: Malaysian police say one of two passengers using a stolen passport is an Iranian teenager, and release photos of both. 

MONDAY (10 March 2014)

The largest rescue flotilla in Chinese naval history - four warships and five civilian and commercial vessels - speeds overnight to waters between Malaysia and Vietnam. Ten Chinese satellites join the hunt

Night: Airline announces it will give 31,000 yuan (HK$39,200) to relatives of each passenger as a special condolence payment

SUNDAY (9 March 2014)

2am: Airline says it last heard from MH370 at 1.30am, not 2.40am.

2.43am: Airline chief executive makes first public statement.

Noon: Hong Kong Immigration Department confirms 45-year-old local woman was on board.

SATURDAY (8 March 2014)

7.24am: Malaysia Airlines confirms a jet lost contact with Subang air traffic control at 2.40am after it took off from Kuala Lumpur.

10.30am: Families waiting at Beijing airport are told passengers will not arrive.

By night: International rescue effort is under way. Two passengers used passports - one Austrian, one Italian - reported stolen in Thailand. Airline does not rule out terrorism.

FRIDAY (7 March 2014)

Coincident?

Sigh

i went to KLCC again yesterday and the day before; and they said there will be another round maybe on June or July.

and i am needed at Kerteh on Monday to Wednesday. which i need to depart on Sunday afternoon.

so has it restarted?

that i will be going to Kerteh, Terengganu every month like last year, until i need another vacation?

i am feeling so upset last night and i woke up feeling dreadful.

Jump ~ 2

if you dont want to jump aboard

dont stay at the harbour 

if you dont want to stay on the ship

take your pfd and jump in the water

and stop whining that we are leaving you behind, dumbass

no one asked you to stay at the harbour waving goodbye

and no one asked you to stay on the ship if you dont want to

so it is either jump aboard or leave

and it is either jump off the ship or stay and follow

it is because you didnt have anywhere to go if you dont jump aboard

or if you jump off the ship?

that is not my problem

To Jump; or Not To Jump?

Have A Good Life!

some people are like clouds, once they go away it is a beautiful day. 

...

those who are still here sometimes hurt me. 

but when people hurt you over and over, think of them as sandpaper. they scratch and hurt you. but later you will be shining and polished, while they end up useless.

live your life happily even if you have to put up fake smiles on your face. nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.

11 Reasons To Quit Your Job

a colleague of mine, said to a colleague of mine, who said to me that if we just flick a finger to a junior colleague, that particular junior colleague would have fall of the cliff, because she is now seem to be standing at the edge of it.

...

remember i told you i had to raise more? 

well a batch of 4 came in when i was still on medical leave in early October. i successfully raised one on November '13; and still raising another one. the other 2 left. 

a batch of 2 came in later. 1 left.

a batch of 3 came in again, later. 2 left.

why did they leave? i often hear things like "i dont belong here" or "it is hard being here" or "i can find something better than this".

well, there are things that can trigger you to quit either you are new to a certain company or not. among them are:

1. you are no longer learning.

- you are not growing or learning anything new
- you have outgrown the position and there is no opportunity for advancement
- you are only refining your current skill set without expanding it

the best careers are built from chasing learning curves. picking up new skills, getting to build relationships with a variety of people, learning about a different industry: these things keep you fresh on the job and can make every day an adventure.

2. your skills are not being tapped.

- you are overqualified for your job
- management doesnt acknowledge that you have more to offer than what you have been contributing for a significant amount of time
- you have been passed over for promotion, or attempts to take on more challenging assignments have failed
- the work has become so routine that you could do it in your sleep – and still do it well – and its become boring
- you have lost your “spark” – instead of looking forward to your day, your only focus is surviving it

if your workday has become so monotonous you are constantly fighting boredom, it is time to seriously consider moving on. 

3. you hate the work.

- you love your boss but hate the product you are marketing 
- you find yourself dreading the two-hour commute and counting the minutes until it is time to go home
- you find that your quality of life is seriously negatively impacted by your workplace
- you have absolutely no interest in the work you are doing
- you want to do something else
- you are no longer productive at work
- you have lost the will to care and are putting zero effort

there is nothing more draining than a job that has nothing to do with your ultimate goals or personal interests. regardless of what you are being paid, you will never fully enjoy your life or reach your full potential if you are saddled with so much apathy – it will eventually spill into other areas of your life and dim those as well.

some jobs are stepping stones to your dream job and require dealing with some unpleasant tasks; others are just bad fits. a good way to differentiate between the two is to look at your manager’s boss — if you would be happy with that job, then you are on the right track. 

4. you dont fit into your company’s culture.

- you dont fit in with the corporate culture
- you dont believe in the company anymore
- you are morally misaligned with your employer, and it is an uncomfortable workplace setting
- you dont believe in what you are doing

you could have the best skill set in the world, but if you dont mesh well with the organization, then you wont be successful. being an employee means being part of a team, and if you still feel like an outcast at your company after six months or so, then you should probably find a work environment better suited to your personality and values.

5. you have the boss / colleague from hell

- your boss's shortcomings are affecting your productivity and happiness, it might not be worth putting up with
- you really dislike the people you work with and/or your boss
- your boss leaves you in a permanent state of panic
- you are experiencing verbal abuse, sexual harassment, or are aware of any type of other illegal behavior
- you are asked to do something unethical or illegal

“The majority of people quit bosses, they dont quit jobs,” says Merideth Ferguson, assistant professor of management at Utah State University. if you have gone over your abusive boss’s head or to HR and the situation either hasnt improved or has continued to worsen, it is time to jump ship.

6. your company is in a downward spiral

- you are concerned about the financial stability of your company
- your department is on shaky financial footing
- you are worried that you are company is headed toward a downhill spiral
- your position no longer seems secure
- you are now left with a permanent feeling of uneasiness

if your company is in a difficult financial period, or an upcoming merger or acquisition threatens your department, there is no reason to go down with a sinking ship. put on your life preserver and get in the water.

7. your health is affected by stress and anxiety

- your work-related stress is affecting your physical or mental health
- you are noticing physical changes because of the stress
- you are consistently stressed, negative, and/or unhappy at work

the stress is present both inside and outside of work; it is consuming. your family and friends are affected by this, too. where and how we work impacts our body. if you are losing or gaining weight, experiencing excruciating body pain, anxiety attacks or consistent feelings of melancholy, it is time to reflect and consider other options.

8. your personal relationships are suffering because of your job

- you no longer have good work-life balance
- you find that you are spending less time with your family because of work
- you cannot commit the necessary time to your job
- you have no time for yourself
- you are working so many late nights you dont feel like a person anymore

putting in long hours can be rewarding, but when they cause you to drift from family and friends, you may want to question the costs. what is the point of making a living if you dont have time to actually live?

9. your duties have increased but your pay has not

sometimes an increase in work without a pay raise is due to downsizing, and sometimes it is just management taking advantage of you. that is especially true if the company is performing well, but it is not reflected in your salary or other rewards.

10. you wake up dreading the day

- you wake up each morning to an overwhelming sense of dread
- you ultimately find that there is no way to escape misery at your job

if when your alarm goes off you feel compelled to start sobbing into your pillow, it is seriously time to rethink your job status. dig deep and look at what is really bothering you: is it a specific chunk of tasks you have to accomplish? is it not what you work on, but who you work with? or are you just bored by the monotony? getting specific about your dread will help you figure out what to do – whether it be discussing new opportunities with your boss, or deciding to leave your job entirely for opportunities elsewhere.

11. your opportunities for growth have been maxed out

- you have had tiffs with higher-ups, sense an unfair environment of favoritism, or are otherwise mired by work policies that are preventing you from taking on more responsibilities
- your current company tends to hire outside talent rather than promote internally
- you witnessed any significant promotions
- your ideas are not being heard

while this is highly related to #1, it is a separate issue to watch out for. sometimes it is an entirely different roadblock that stands between you and greater opportunities: internal politics and policies.

source:
http://www.businessinsider.sg/signs-you-should-quit-your-job-2014-2/#.UxC9MqoazCQ
http://www.themuse.com/advice/time-to-go-5-signs-you-really-should-quit-your-job
http://www.forbes.com/sites/jacquelynsmith/2013/09/04/14-signs-its-time-to-leave-your-job/
http://business.time.com/2014/02/17/7-signs-its-time-to-quit-your-job/
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/work/11-signs-that-you-should-leave-your-job.html

Friedrich Nietzsche

Feb 14 - teaching @ Putrajaya
Feb 15 & 16 - teaching @ Ipoh, Perak
Feb 18 & 19 - teaching @ Port Klang
Feb 20 - teaching @ KL
Feb 22 - @ home, Putrajaya
Feb 23 - departing to Kerteh, Terengganu
Feb 24, 25 & 26 - teaching @ Kerteh, Terengganu

i am now at my breaking point. 

...

i am a chairman of a committee, remember? i feel like resigning and i dont want to be the chairman anymore. i spoke up to my superior but i wasnt allowed to resign. yes, i am strong; but not yet strong enough to bring people up. if i try to bring up someone but they ended up to slowing me down on my climb, i tend to give up on them and go just by my own. 

but if i keep on giving up on people, i will get nowhere.

they are liars, emotional, have too many excuses, irresponsible, stubborn, dependent, clingy, dishonest, not alert, made their own decisions without thinking of the consequences, copycat, wanted to be successfull but have no effort, jealous of others' success, tried their best to make successfull people fall on the ground, too calculative, too competitive that they are competing against irrelevant things, et cetera..

i hate liars, specifically liars who twist stories to cover up their own arses; specifically liars who used my name to cover their own arses; whom didnt want to pick up my call because i guess, she is scared that i will confront her.

who also used other's name to cover up their own arses; but the others arent bold enough to give her a call and talk to her. 

well it is not that we wouldnt see each other anymore.

"im not upset that you lied to me, im upset that from now on i cant believe you." ― Friedrich Nietzsche.

i will murder 'you', 

liar. 

Not The Same

The Firestarter (from Outdoor Adventure Waterfalls) had an accident last Monday. i wonder what surgery he had and how is his condition now. i wont ask him. i am that kind of person; even if he is still in the present. it is not that i dont care. i do. but if a person wants me to know something about himself or herself, then he/she will tell me in my face.

...

relating to the accident i had months ago; my neck and my right arm is still hurting sometimes.

i cant lift heavy things.

i cant have people to hit me on my back on the right side.

i cant jump; because i am now kind of afraid of height; and i am afraid that if i fall, it would hurt my neck more.

i am still having difficulties judging distance.

my brain dont work sometimes, that i went to McDonalds and ordered a "fridge" instead of "porridge", which had never happened to me before.

i am not the same person with physical strength as i used to be.

what i can do for now is just to restrain myself from using my right hand too much so that i can delay my injury from becoming chronic too soon.

sad, isnt it?

We Choose To...

i had just finished chairing a meeting for my committee when suddenly i am called by a colleague to inform all department staff about something that should obviously be done by everyone.

...

i got promoted November last year.

and i got to be a chairman of what i consider a main committee that will lead the company to go further at the end of last year.

so i have my own committee members who have only been in the company for at most 4 months.

and they are sometimes really, really being immature.

and i recently get some hints from my Big Boss that i should be promoted to another level.

he always asks me: "when?"

i do not only need to maintain of what i have now, but i also need to upgrade myself.

it has been quite hard for me these few months;

that i feel like i want to throw everything and just be homeless.

but...

"its hazards are hostile to us all. its conquest deserves the best of all mankind, and its opportunity for peaceful cooperation many never come again. 

but why, some say, the moon? 

why choose this as our goal? 

and they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? 

why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? 

why does Rice play Texas? 

we choose to go to the moon. 

we choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- John F. Kennedy

...

by the way, being homeless is not easy; and it is definitely not listed as one of my choices. i said it just because.

To Jump; or Not To Jump?

Jump

Jump

i am a person with very good memories of what people said/write to me. 

did i ever tell you that?

yes, 

yes i did.

the day that we went to Kedondong. 

The Boss and The Cameraman brought me to a spot which

they used to jump from a big rock into the water.

i hesitated at first;

but then The Boss - who was already in the water - said:

"jangan dok pikiaq lama-lama sangat! terjun ja!"

(dont think too much! just jump!)

and so i jump.

...

my dear,

if you want to come with me or if you were forced to go with me, would you jump off some cliff somewhere if i were to jump because i see a gold mine waiting for us down the cliff? 

if you were not going to jump with me; get out of my sight. now. 

if you are really willing to jump with me, i have got to tell you that you cannot always wait for the perfect time. sometimes you must dare to jump. 

or else i will push you off the cliff while you are hesitating. dont blame me for pushing you; you wanted to come with me, so blame yourself for taking too long to make a decision: to jump; or not to jump? i wouldnt wait for you.

come to think of it now, i always jump without thinking too long. 

what i always think is: i have everything i need for the jump. if i were to be success after i jump, then be it. if i were to fail, i will improve myself. 

so maybe... 

maybe if it is okay for you; if you see any opportunity to jump, dont think too much. 

just jump. 

and dont worry. 

other than your gears, your parachute or whatever it is that you have for the jump; eventually you will grow yourself a pair of wings on your way down. 

then you can always depend on your own wings to jump off a higher cliff and land safely in a bigger gold mine. 

i know you will. 

because i did. 

because we humans, do not know how strong we can really be; until being strong is the only choice we have.

by the way, there are some people who did push me off a cliff to the gold mine while i was hesitating, before i grow my wings. 

and there are some who are willing to catch me if i fall.

they are still here for me; and now, i am here for you.

"jump!"

Earth Dragon

1928 & 1988

Earth Dragons make great managers (disagree) because they are practical, levelheaded and demonstrate a knack for organizing (agree). They still have the need to dictate and be admired (agree), but they are affable (agree), congenial (disagree) and supportive (agree). Compared to other Dragons, Earth Dragons are less likely to breathe fire at the least irritation (yes and no). They will work diligently to complete their life goals (i do not have any particular goals right now, except for buying a house). The Earth element adds a greater portion of self-control (yes and no) to the Dragon’s personality and usually the Earth Dragon is deserving of the respect he or she desires (agree). These Dragons take their life and romantic responsibilities quite seriously (agree).

AT HOME

Not the most domesticated of the Animal signs, Dragons and may be more content out and about rather than at home. Nevertheless, with their imagination and artistic sense, they can enjoy decorating their home (i actually prefer minimalism) or anywhere else where their extravagance can be expressed (does this includes writing, sketching, etc?). A Dragon’s home should be as large and majestic as his personality (agree but minimize the things that would take up large space), providing space for the fiery temperament or emotional eruptions that accompany their character (yes, i am thinking of a mini gym and a library in my house).

AT WORK

The Dragon’s originality is the most impressive and outstanding of all his characteristics. The Dragon is quite imaginative and always able to see new paths where others may run into brick walls (slightly agree. i guess i am just kind of lazy). Dragons are very adaptable and are fit for various occupations, especially if those occupations allow him to take the limelight (agree). In any of these occupational situations, the Dragons will take a radical approach. Dragons work hard, but would rather give orders than receive them (yes and no). They should avoid jobs that encompass too much routine, and should move toward jobs in which their self-reliance can be an asset (agree).

DRAGONS MAKE EXCELLENT:

Computer analysts (strongly disagree)
Inventors (maybe?)
Engineers (dayumm i score second class upper in engineering degree)
Architects (really?)
Lawyers (maybe..)
Philosophers (could have been)
Psychoanalysts (maybe..)
Brokers (really?)
Managers (strongly disagree)
Salepeople (strongly disagree)
PR (strongly disagree. i listen more than i talk)
People Advertising agents (maybe..)
Officers in the armed forces (maybe..)
Campaigners (really?)
Politicians (maybe.. in my own way..)

FRIENDS & ENEMIES:

Dragons are usually popular people (i am?), but because of their personalities, they seem to gather as much criticism as they do esteem (agree). Due to their tumultuous temperaments (hahaha! agree), Dragons are not the most sensitive friends to those in need of a shoulder to cry on (i am sensitive but i tend to ignore them and let them solve things by their own. they would ask for help if they really need it.).

Those who truly know the Dragon know he is a loving soul who will become your best ally in times of need (agree). Once the dynamic Dragon has given his friendship, he will not let his friends down and will never falter in his allegiance to his companions (agree). To a Dragon, a friend is a friend for a lifetime (not really. i ditch those who betray me and i am that kind of people).

Incredibly honest, Dragons are known for sincerity and are trusting souls (agree). Because of this honesty, Dragons don’t realize others may not demonstrate or uphold the same codes of ethics (agree). Making the discovery that they placed their trust in someone who is dishonest makes the Dragon person quite sad, yet much more perceptive for future encounters (agree).

Best Friends: Rats and Monkeys (no comment)

Mortal Enemy: Dogs (my father's year)

Suitable Gifts: Tarot cards (no), camera (yeay), a copy of the I Ching (wth is this?), mirror (i can buy them by myself), a family crest (yeay), mobile phone (samsung galaxy s4 please?)

Hobbies and Pastimes: Computer programming (no), public speaking (freedom of speech is not freedom from consequences), fossil hunting (really?), astrology (really?)
(i actually prefer reading, watching horror movies, listening to some really good songs)

Dragons Dislike: Taking orders (yes and no), unnecessary bureaucracy (agree), discounted ideas (agree), people who don’t give 100% (agree).

Source