Lies ~ 6: Yes, I Can

on the same day that i went totally i silent mode, i do heard that a new sales staff discussing to the other sales staff and to our training manager about a team building program. 

and my mind went like, oh shit.

on the next day i was called by my big boss to his office. i believe he just came back from the water sports company for a discussion about the team building program.

once i sit on front of him in his office, he began talking: "Gun i just went back from a discussion with some people. so basically they want to have a team building program going to be held in october, bla bla bla.. so after COSH we have got to plan bla bla bla.. can you?"

i answered yes; even though i am feeling like killing someone. 

why did i lie?

because of this and this (the last sentence).

the other sales staff asked me: "arent team building supposed to be handled by the water sports company themselves?"

i replied him with a question: "do they have anyone competent in their company to conduct team building?"

no they dont at the moment!

sigh~

make fake a smile, Gun.

fake a smile.

...

by the way, at that time, my flight to Seoul is already confirmed to be on Oct 18 and my return flight is on oct 26.

i was not fucking going to change my flight date, so...

i did wish them good luck on choosing the date to conduct the team building.

why did i choose to go on October?

because i can.

Lies ~ 5: Nothing

Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, best sums it up: “Men have their own caves on which the sign states “Please do not disturb.” Men like to retreat into their own world where they feel they are in control. 

Women also have caves but the sign on their caves is “I need to talk”. When a man asks a woman what’s wrong and she says “Nothing” it really means “Nothing, unless you care to listen and give me an opportunity to talk.” Of course, there is also the dangerous side of “nothing”. 

Do you remember Homer Simpson’s words of wisdom? When a woman says nothing’s wrong that means everything’s wrong. The “Nothing Syndrome” is the calm before the avalanche of complaints. 

...

last thursday, almost everyone noticed that something is wrong with me: i looked tired.

it was the day after i went for a training at the university. 

actually there are things that happened during the training which made me felt really stressed;

and i am needed to be at KLCC for COSH 2013 on saturday, sunday & monday.

on the monday afternoon i need to depart to terengganu to teach there for 3 days.

i already felt tired thinking of the days to come.

as for terengganu this time, they send 4 person including me.

why do they need to send 4 person while 3 person is enough? 

they said that they need the other person to "learn from me" on how to conduct the training.

well, when they sent me for the first time, did i "learn from somebody else"?

FUCK NO!

i dont want to be pushed of the cliff, so i jump.

they forced me to jump!

why treat me differently?

so... i went almost fully in silent mode on that day. 

some of my colleagues whom always like to be funny with me tried to be funny;

but i can just respond with an unwilling smile.

my boss called me to her office to discuss about something and she asked: "why do you look so tired? did you get enough sleep?"

i told her i am sleeping okay.

a new colleague asked why do i look like i am not in a good mood and again, i responded with an unwilling smile.

yes on the manly side of me, i need space and time for myself so that my anger wont be erupted. 

and on the womanly side of me, i will not talk if they are not listening and not going to take action and suddenly find a way to say that "Gun, you are a good bla bla bla. but you must understand that not everyone is like you."

because i tried to talk to our training coordinator before i went to my boss' office.

she kept saying that there is nothing that she can do.

so what is the point of telling what is wrong if they can do nothing about it and keep saying that you are different from the others?

later that day, my boss came to my desk just because.

she asked me again: "gun, are you okay? if you didnt get enough sleep you should go for a massage. it helps a lot."

once again i told her;

i am okay

and i have nothing to say.

i am still in terengganu now. 

i will be coming back to klang valley this late afternoon.

sigh~

Lies ~ 4: I am Okay

the most common lie everyone should have said at least once in their lifetime.

"i am okay."

for me, i will always say i am okay after i survived a failed a jump.

i am a human.

i can be broken.

but i hate to worry people whom i hold dear the most.

people who will always ask me if i am okay.

so i lied.

Lies ~ 3: I am an Iban

i went to a training and spoke Manglish / Chinglish in my presentation;

as usual.

when we have our lunch break,

some of the participants come to sit with me and my partner.

we talked and talked 

♫ ♩ about how our parents will die ♪ ♬

hush, Fun!

when suddenly one of the participants asked:

"Gun, where are you from?"

before i can answer, my partner said:

"Gun is an Iban."

i just SMILED; and the participants said:

"oh, no wonder you speak like the east Malaysian people."

...

my language set up in my brain can easily be hacked.

which means;

if i were to become friends with those who are from different states,

i can easily adapt to speaking their dialect.

i can always tell people that i was born in Kuala Lipis, Pahang.

but then my family moved to Temerloh, still in Pahang;

and i went to a boarding highschool which most of my classmates are from Kelantan & Terengganu.

after i graduated highschool, while waiting for college results, my family moved to Kuantan, Pahang.

after a year or two in college we moved to Johor.

and while in college, my best buddies are from Kuala Lumpur, Kedah, Pahang, Kelantan and Johor. 

i am working now. 

most of my coworkers are Malaysian Chinese. 

they speak Manglish most of the time;

and when i speak Manglish, i sounded like East Malaysian people;

or when my skin was darker people thought that i am Chindian;

because i sometimes speaks a little Mandarin & Cantonese.

Pahang, Kelantan, Terengganu, Johor, Kedah & Kuala Lumpur have different dialect each;

and please take note that in Pahang, 

Kuala Lipis, Temerloh, and Kuantan have different dialect each.

and i always use my ability to speak in Terengganu dialect 

every time i went there.

so why am i not telling the truth, you ask?

let me ask you this:

"would you prefer me to explain my whole life - how my family have been moving here and there; and how i met my friends in college; and how do i do at work now? 

or would you prefer me to just SMILE?"

well for me,

i have met a lot of people who asked me the same question;

and i hate to explain my whole life over and over again.

so i prefer to just smile and get everything over with.

Lies ~ 2: I am Shortsighted

i have got to admit.

i lie a lot.

but if i tell you i have reasons why;

would all my lies still be considered lies?

...

i went to get myself a haircut.

yes, i am wearing fake eyeglasses at that time.

i told the hairstylist what i wanted with my hair;

took off my glasses and let the hairstylist proceeds with her job.

when she is done, she said:

"there. its done. wear your glasses and see if there is anything i should fix."

...

i had my LASIK surgery in June 2011.

i have been using my "new" eyes for about 2 years now.

but i started using fake eyeglasses since the end of last year.

why?

it is not easy for me to fall asleep.

i can only sleep if

i am in my bed with the right temperature and right amount of noise;

and never will i forget about my blanket and my pillows.

if i do not have the above, i can only sleep if

i am exhausted or if i am really sick.

i develop dark circles under my eyes if i cant sleep.

it kind of ruins my image as a trainer;

trying to convince people to save lives

with my seemingly tired eyes.

so i get myself a pair of fake glasses to hide my eyes.

i dont know why i didnt get myself some eye cream though.

and then i realized after 2 years of seemingly perfect sight; 

that wearing glasses can prevent any unnecessary eye contact.

that is why i dont need eye cream.

and i hate everyone.

Lies ~ 1: Heartbroken

...

i just wanted to know the truth.

i never would have thought that all the truth is 

ugly.

now that i had opened all my door to all the truth

everything is ugly.

so ugly that i wish i didnt have the curiosity to know the truth in the beginning.

i dont want to know what happened.

oh Jared, take me with you.