last night, while sitting alone at my desk, all of the sudden i recalled a poem. it was such a nice poem given by a lover to a 'lover' of mine. my ‘lover’, was somebody else's lover but this person... err... ok... lets give a name... My Lover. My Lover already had a lover. ok... uhhh... Full Time Lover (FTL). but My Lover is closer to me in distance so My Lover decided to two time. with me. so i was the Part Time Lover (PTL)...
demm dis is stupid.
ok, back to the main point of this entry.
when i recalled the poem, i started to write it back in my notebook. i smiled by myself while writing the poem. i did recalled most of it but not everything. as i wrote, something flows from my brain to my right hand, then the flow made a U turn back to my heart. i felt so happy just by writing back wat was written by someone that was meant to b given to someone else.
when i was the PTL, i was so inspired to write & sketch. i love art & literature (dem me for taking mechanical engineering) more than anything. within the time i was busy studying, i'll always find some time to write. i wrote more than 20 poems, they're still here with me, in the same old book; i wrote several short stories, wonder where they are now, well, maybe they are somewhere inside my stack of books; i sketched many "things", wat am i supposed to describe my sketches as?; i wrote a novel, well, it was 1 of my stupid short stories but then it ended up to be a stupid novel, which, i already threw it away; i made a doll, which turn out to be a keychain - all were made for My Lover.
in the range of time of being the PTL, i dont think i was in love. but My Lover cared bout me so much, made me feel like i was in dept on the kindness & tenderness given or whatsoever. in dept? well it was kinda exhausting actually, having someone clinging on you most of the time. i did feel like i was pretending to love.
we fought, and then we made up; just to fight again. i dont really remember the reason why we fight so much. all i can remember was that i was such an immature brat~ egoist~ bad tempered~ extremely violent (???); & My Lover is cute, uke-ish, kind hearted, clingy, annoying, gets jealous easily. i didnt mean for us to break up. i just need more space & time for myself & i hate to have people clinging onto me & cared about me too much. its suffocating.
& yet we realy had gone through our own way. My Lover claimed an apology from me. but i dont remember doing anything wrong. it was a misunderstanding. and i refused to say i am sorry. duh~ i didnt do anything wrong. My Lover was such a cry baby. and so, end of our 'love' story.
years later (now) i took a chance to look back what kind of poem i wrote. most of 'em were about love, friendship, life & despair. the pure love that had been given to me, the strong friendship bonded, the secret life we had and me being in despair for i am only a part timer.
then i realize something: if it was not for the love, the friendship, the life and the despair, then what do i write for?
indeed, i expressed my feelings through my art. there is a saying "a book reflects its author" だろう? that was how i had been living; everyday i was blessed by love, i wrote to express my love, but i never appreciate the love that was meant for me. i was being such an idiot, such a cruel person for not understanding what was being offered to me.
だから, 今が謝る: 本当にごめんなさい~
それに, all these years, i couldnt love anyone. i played with and hurt other people's feelings - i flirt, and when i got them, i left them without a proper reason (i have stopped now, err.. but still i cant help but to flirt). i dont have the urge to love or to be loved; for i had forgotten everything about the above - My Lover, our time we had together and the most important thing is the joy of writing for love and when love smiles as the things i wrote is read.
but still, when i think about it now...
i was totally
NOT
in love.
so, should i be oh-i-am-so-romantic n write again? *wink wink*
the poem:
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